I've read the other day in a blog that you shouldn't say you're not going to update it anymore... you'd better just stop writing in it.
I disagree.
This journal kept me company through a very special year of my life and I feel like I have to say goodbye in some way. And, most importantly, I feel that it's right to thank all the people who joined the ride.
I hope I won't lose contact with you all since I'll still be posting on Bravenet, in my Italian blog: for those of you who are interested in keeping in touch just come here, you're more than welcome, and even if you don't understand the language you can always leave comments and I'll write back to you. I'm not disappearing from the web. :)
I truly hope I'll hear from you and I promise I'll pop in to say hello in your journals soon.
Thank you sooo much again, and a big big big hug goes to my favorite journal friends and bloggers: Moonie, lulu, Inge, Renee, Lizthemadcow, Laura, Robin, Jilly T, Grymps, Gloria and Aidan.
Maybe I'll come back here someday, who knows?
Bye for now,

Ally

Sorry if you hadn't heard from me lately: there's been a lot going on.
I wish to thank all the people who visit this journal regularly, especially Moonie  and all those who left a tag in these last few days: Eli, Grymps, Jilly T, and then lulu and Gloria... .
Today I'm one year older, and one year wiser, I hope.
This past year has been greatly intense with both wonderful and difficult moments... but more importantly it has been a year of personal growth, which I'm deeply thankful for.
Well, what more can I say? Happy Birthday to me!

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come to move along

Can you help me?
Can you let me go?
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore?

I had some interesting and busy days lately, but also extremely boring ones, due to the crazy not-very-summerish weather, so that's what I spent lots of time doing.

There are lots more on the site and they're all beautifully realized, with amazing details and nice music in the background. I don't have the screen-shot of another one of my favorites, the one with the piglets, so just know it's worth a try.
Here's the link: see if you can hit some record!

«How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?
There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.»

image © vacher.com

Appearances are deceiving.
Trust your instinct, but always aim for what you know is good for you.

Question of the day: can you get to your future if your past is present? Tough one, ah?
I'm in no writing mood right now, but I felt like I had to come in here and spend a little time on my little blog, with no particular reason.
I have a very unstable tummy-ache, I'm unemployed, confused, bored, with sentimentally depressed female friends, alcohol-abusing or self-denying male friends, no worthy movie to go to the cinema for, no will to go to the gym and do something useful, no money on my cell phone and no personal code to rent DVD's from the nearest store. Oh, and with a boyfriend who lives more than 45 miles away from me... woe is me!
Except for all those little details, I'm quite in a decent mood: it finally stopped raining and with a little effort I could actually *believe* we're in August, meaning Summer, and stop having disturbing doubts about that after having to sleep with two blankets for an entire week and take the sweaters back out from the wardrobe. Pffft!
And... in less than a month it's gonna be my Birthday... AGAIN!!! And this means it's been a year, a whole long, intense, full, happy, hard, life-changing YEAR, since... well, since last year, when it all began!!!
Wow, I can hardly believe it!  *goes to pinch herself*

- "Everybody wants to be happy."
- "Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live, which can be depressing."

I watched "Closer" on DVD last night and there's this argument between Jude Law's character and Clive Owens' which is quite accurate, I reckon, to describe my condition, at least as I feel today after a very intense hour on the phone with my boyfriend, trying to understand, accept and live with the way we are and love, which can be different but compatible nonetheless.
If you need something badly because you've always dreamt about it but never had it, and when you think you've finally achieved it you find out it's not exactly that, should you go on searching somewhere else and give up the rest, or rather keep what you have and cherish all the good it gives you?
Actually... can you do both?

When there's no love in town, this new century keeps bringing you down, all the places you have been, trying to find a love supreme... oh what are you really looking for, another partner in your life to abuse and to adore... yeah turn down the love songs that you hear 'cause you can't avoid the sentiment that echoes in your ear, saying love will stop the pain, saying love will kill the fear, do you believe, you must believe... come and live a love supreme, don't let it get you down, everybody lives for love...

Anorexia Goes High Tech
A wave of pro-anorexia web sites has flooded the Internet, providing dangerous support and how-to tips to a new generation of anorexics. TIME.com’s Jessica Reaves investigates.
By JESSICA REAVES

Developing an eating disorder is no easy task. Becoming an anorexic, for example, requires months, even years, of obsessive, destructive tunnel vision. Anorexia demands absolute, single-minded dedication. It's exhausting — and it can be extraordinarily lonely. 
That’s where technology comes in. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, anorexics and would-be anorexics around the globe can access more than 400 web sites designed solely for them. Need to know how to disguise your weight loss so concerned (read: jealous) friends will stop hounding you to eat? Looking for a few words of support as you launch into your latest deprivation diet? Or perhaps you’d like to know the tricks for satisfying that pesky weekly weigh-in at the doctor’s office? It’s all right here. 
Bringing the darkness to light
Beyond their obvious "ick" factor, the sites provide a fascinating insight into the world of anorexics. For eating disorder educators, the very language of the sites can provide invaluable hints into a troubled psyche. "I think some of these sites are worded in a way that indicates the hosts do want help," says Vivian Meehan, president and founder of the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, or ANAD. "They’re putting themselves out there. But then they also put up a defense against it. Don’t come on the site if you’re only interested in putting us down." 
That psychology plays out almost to the letter on one of the most visible pro-anorexia sites (or "pro-ana," as devotees call them), known as "My Goddess Ana." Accused in the press of perpetuating a deadly disease, the site’s 20-year-old creator offers this reply. "The opening page of the site clearly stipulates that the content of the site is Pro-Anorexic and should not be viewed by those who are in recovery or are thinking about recovery, or who, indeed, do not suffer from an ED. If you are reading this as an objector to Pro-Ana sites, why did you enter in the first place when the entrance page has told you not to?"
Can you handle this?
She has a point, however flimsy her logic. The site’s warning is straightforward and bracingly honest: "This is a PRO-ANOREXIC site," it reads. "The information in the following pages contains pro-anorexic material. For this reason, it should NOT be viewed by anyone who is in recovery or who is considering recovery." 
"Please," the warning continues, "if you do not already have an eating disorder, turn back now. If you are in recovery, turn back now. Anorexia is a deadly disease. It is not to be taken lightly." It sounds like good, responsible advice — until you consider the effects of a warning like that on the psychology of anorexia. People, especially young women, suffering from anorexia tend to be perfectionists dead set on gaining approval. They want to smooth down all the rough edges, make sure everyone (except themselves) is happy, be exactly the kind of person everyone expects them to be. It’s a very tough mindset to maintain, and you can only do it if you’re willing to suffer (which anorexics are only too happy to do) and if you can be strong in the face of adversity (i.e. food and the people who are trying to get you to eat). 
"Stay strong!"
In other words, if you’re a young woman on the verge of anorexia, and you visit this site and read the warning, chances are you’re going to see it as a dare. Think of anorexia as the negative marathon of eating disorders: If it were easy, everyone would do it, and then what kind of cachet would it have? 
Once past the warning screen, visitors are exhorted to "Stay strong!" (in the face, one presumes, of parents, friends or doctors who are pushing food on them). It’s a bizarre dichotomy of messages, and it forms the crux of this phenomenon. Yes, the hosts seem to be saying, this site is dangerous, and it could be harmful to your health. On the one hand, we accept that we are sick, that we have an eating disorder and we are not interested in spreading our illness. On the other, we are proud of our illness — and once you’ve joined our ranks, we’ll do whatever it takes to enable your quest for the "perfect" body. 
This labored enthusiasm serves as a red flag to eating disorders educators like Meehan. "One of the primary goals of anorexics is to persuade others that they are perfectly fine, and that they have the right to lead their lives however they see fit," says Meehan. "And one of the ways of doing that is to find other people who are achieving those goals — so these web sites provide not only reinforcement, along with a forum for exchanging and picking up tips." 
The eye of the beholder
It’s not just about tips, though. Throughout the sites, visitors are bombarded by images of waif-thin models and movie stars. Some have been altered to appear emaciated. Others are, perhaps even more disturbingly, left untouched. Either way, the effect is immediate: Revulsion followed by a kind of morbid fascination. How on earth did she get to be that thin? Then, clicking away, moving on to the next screen, a barrage of "Thinsprirations," as one site names its pro-thin quotes. ("Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels," reads one.) 
The problem, of course, is that most of the minds visiting these sites are not exactly in peak psychological condition. And many of the sites, with their rosy color schemes and celebrity slide shows, are designed to appeal to the most vulnerable population: Recent studies indicate that 85 percent of anorexics experience the first onset of illness by age 20 — and they’re only getting younger. Researchers have noted a marked increase of cases in the eight to 11-year-old age range over the past five years. 
Kids in that age range (perhaps not coincidentally) are also spending more and more time in front of computers, educators note, a trend that leaves them especially susceptible to the proliferation of pro-anorexia sites. 
Battling an Internet giant
According to ANAD, Yahoo! hosts by far the most pro-anorexia sites of any web portal. Searching for "anorexia" on the home page produces pages of results; some are pro-recovery, but many others promote the cycle of starvation. The portal’s predominance has not gone unnoticed by mental health advocates. 
On July 26, citing Yahoo!’s ability to take down any site they choose, as well as the company’s self-described commitment to the safety of adolescents and children, ANAD asked Terry Semel, the portal’s CEO, to remove the pro-anorexia sites from its server. "The fact is that most people who become anorexic first experience symptoms before they are eighteen," says ANAD vice president Christopher Athas. "Yahoo! claims to be interested in the health and welfare of children? Here’s a good chance to prove it." 
The response surprised even ANAD. By Monday, July 30th, 21 of Yahoo!’s estimated 115 pro-anorexia sites had been taken down. While no one at ANAD is willing to link the action directly to their letter of complaint, organization leaders sent off a note thanking Semel for his quick action. 
Yahoo! sees things a bit differently. "The removal of the sites was definitely not a reaction to the ANAD request," a company spokesperson said Tuesday. She went on to explain the "long-standing terms of service" at Yahoo!, and outlined the consequences for anyone who violates them (which pro-anorexic sites certainly seem to do). "Content with the sole purpose of creating harm or inciting hate is brought to our attention, we evaluate it, and in extreme cases, remove it, as that is a violation of our terms of service." 
Whatever the impetus, the sites’ removal was a victory for ANAD, but it hardly signals the end of its crusade. The next step, says Athas, goes straight to the heart of the problem: The sites’ authors themselves, most of who seem to be enthusiastic anorexics. "We’re planning to go to the sites and ask the creators to take them down," Athas says. That task — which will force ANAD educators to confront anorexics’ infamous defensive talents — is not expected to be easy, or even particularly productive, adds Athas. "Most everyone has told us it will be a waste of our time."

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I had put a similar article in my other Italian blog and I was shocked to find out from the very day after how many referrers I got from people looking for "pro-ana" topics through search engines.
This got me thinking a lot: let's hypothesize that a few of them are just curious or doing some medical research, the others are almost surely looking for practical and easy-to-access information, or people who could directly give them some advise on how to lose weight.
Many believe that the less you talk about this the better, since there is this dangerous amount of sites that basically work as sponsors, and though with the intent of sending out an alarming SOS, they end up just promoting the existence of those "other" sites, increasing their visits and making the problem get even worse.
So what should we do in front of this plague?
Personally I believe that if you say the right things in the right ways -that is, using the same "appeal" that those sites undoubtedly have- you can actually make some difference, and maybe if a young girl finds herself confused on what is the borderline between an healthy diet -for example- and a potentially deathly path, she could see the danger in choosing a "pro-ana" way of living, and instead realize she needs help, and finally ask for it.
I truly care about this topic since I've been underweight basically all my life and I tried lots of hyper-caloric diets to help me reach my ideal weight, without ever succeeding.
The worst part of it -as if the issue wasn't enough troubling already- is the ignorance that people show when it comes to comments, as I already explained in a previous post: they don't seem to realize how wrong it is to ask questions like "are you anorexic? ... do you want to be a model maybe? ... don't you think you're too skinny? ... do you eat, yeah?" to someone who's facing that battle since a very young age.
Saying to someone that they're obese or bulimic is usually considered rude, so why does it suddenly become funny if the person isn't fat?
If you have an answer to this, please let me know, because I am really curious.

Did I already say how much I love free live music? On Friday it was the TimTour turn, with only Italian artists the first evening [unfortunately I couldn't manage to go yesterday because of a sudden and very powerful backache so I missed out on Sean Paul] who I didn't like that much to be honest, but it was fun anyway.
I had to beg and then almost literally drag dANIEL there and this time he nicknamed the crowd "screaming worms", while for the "Isle of MTV" he had chosen "hairy thingies" and "sweating loaths" ... how sweet!
Anyway I remembered the previous times I had gone there with some friends of mine, looking at all the couples dancing embraced and smooching all the time, envying them to death ... but not this year! I was there with my boyfriend and though the music wasn't exactly "my thing" it felt good, so I'm really grateful for that.
I saw my neighbor a little behind us and I waved to her but she didn't see me, or maybe she just pretended not to because I was with him. I guess I'll never know, but it's suspicious because she had asked me to go there with her in the afternoon, I told her there were other people I would have met, without mentioning dANIEL, and she had agreed. She was supposed to send me a message as soon as she got there, but she didn't... how comes she changed her mind so suddenly?
dANIEL and I arrived a little later than what we had planned to, but we met with those other people by accident in the middle of the square: every day I become more and more aware that I have nothing in common with them anymore and they belong to the past. I felt a little sad thinking about that, but I immediately realized it's just the way things are meant to be and going on with your life is the most right thing you can possibly do. Crying over what's gone wouldn't do any good anyway!
It looks like this horrid backache isn't going to leave me alone as soon as I had hoped it would, and today the weather is so awful I feel like back in Winter, but I'm quite happy that Zeby had planned another dinner for this evening, so I'll be able to see Desy again after a month and chat chat chat like the old times.
Tomorrow I'll have to go get myself signed in the local employment office, hoping something decent will soon come my way because being unemployed and having to look on each newspaper I manage to put my hands on for ads sucks big time. Wish me luck!

P.S.: does anyone who reads this journal watch "Tru Calling"?
They just started to broadcast the first season here and it immediately hit me because it's quite original and extremely fascinating. I'm glad to find out there's still something worth watching on TV.
The only negative thing is that everything arrives years later in Italy compared to the US or the UK and I believe we're among those few countries that have movies and series dubbed in their own language rather than with subtitles. Thank God Italians are half-Gods when it comes to dubbing: they're all absolutely awesome! And you can believe it if I say so myself since I'm the first supporter of original language movies, having to constantly practice and improve my English!

I surely had a great time!  Yep... no "but" to ruin the fun this time!  Weird, I know.
It was just a 4-day trip but everything was really really awesome: the places, the weather, my mood, the long trips by car, the sunflowers, the hills, the company, the Bed&Breakfast, the bread... .
Wherever you live, go to Tuscany if you have the chance... but you probably don't need me to tell you that, do you? [Aidan, next time I'll try not to pack my suitcase *that* much and leave a little place for you to hide, ok?]
We stayed in this little B&B run by a girl and her mother and except for the first night we were the only guests, so we had the best treatment ever and we've been spoiled rotten. Basically we had the whole house just for us: 2 bedrooms to choose from, a living room, a TV room, 2 bathrooms and the garden... all included.  Not bad, ah? And we even borrowed the mountain bikes for two days for free!
We didn't visit that many places: we went to Pisa to see the world-famous leaning tower and I guess we happened to be there at the best moment of the day because the sun was just about to set and the light was amazing, though you can't notice that in the picture unfortunately, so you'll have to trust me!

The first evening we went out for dinner with Rol in this cute restaurant where we ate in a garden lit by candles put on each table and on the pavement. Though I know that *anything* can taste like heaven when you're hungry and a salad can't be too exciting, the one I had there was curiously good.
On Sunday dANIEL joined us: the trip from the station to the B&B was quite funny because it was the two of us in the back of the car PLUS his bike, that meaning we only had the place previously occupied by my *leg* to suit us  ... extremely comfortable! Once we got there we rested a bit and then we went out for dinner, again with Rol, a friend of his and the leprechaun. This time we went to Tirrenia, a very touristy location on the sea: that is where the most amazing bread you could ever eat made its first appearance in our lives... and you know the pizza you ordered is almost ready, but you just *can't* stop eating it, I swear!  I finally understand why Rol gets so sad every time he comes here and has to deal with our local bread: there's nothing wrong with it, it's simply not the same thing!

On Monday the leprechaun left and it was just dANIEL and I to enjoy our time in that beautiful place surrounded by hills and trees.  The nearest little town was about ten minutes by bike from the B&B and we could only count on that to have lunch and dinner and to buy something for the return journey.

Getting ready to leave, waiting for the bus for Pisa, having lunch on a bench in the square in front of the station, finding the right train, arriving in Florence and doing all that stuff all over again and the trip in itself felt like a little adventure... I really loved it!

I don't know when I'm going to be able to do something like this again, but I truly hope it will happen soon because I had the chance to face a few of my deepest fears and I defeated them... and this could only be good!

Last day at the library.
I'm leaving on Saturday, destination Tuscany, just for a few days.
I've been thinking a lot [why aren't you surprised about that? ], writing even more, relaxing just a little bit, arguing some, laughing enough, talking less than what I would have wanted to and complaining more that it was truly necessary. But I've learned something as well, which is always a good thing.
Thanks for the comments in the tag board.  I'll be back next week. Take care!

I'm so proud of living here!  I watched the "Isle Of MTV" show on TV this afternoon and the city, the square, the people, the stage... everything looked absolutely amazing!

I enjoyed just a little bit of the show but it was worth it: dANIEL is not too fond of huge crowds, so we soon moved to a less packed area which turned out to be the perfect place to see the fireworks!

Yesterday we went out for dinner to celebrate the leprechaun's Birthday and Rol came with us: it was fun because the cook must have decided to be particularly generous with hot pepper  and it took my stomach a little while to understand why I had chosen to eat pure fire!  Poor little thing!

We went for a little walk -just the two of us- on the seaside, we took our two companions home and then we borrowed Rol's car and went on a road above the sea to watch the moon [which was awesomely orange colored!] and the city lights.
There would be so many other things to say about yesterday and today, but I don't feel like sharing them here at the moment. I'm still dealing with my omnipresent background sadness  and I'm sick and tired of having it burst uncontrollably in the most inappropriate moments, namely the ones supposed to be happy and carefree and remembered for life.
The road is still long...  all I hope is to have good company while I go through it!

Many events occurred in these last few days: I thought a lot about sentimental relationships, the local TV aired the very last episode of "Friends"  [how sad!], dANIEL graduated with honor  and I finally met his closest friends [plus his dad, all in just one long terrifying day... just kidding!].
It would be foolish to deny my anxiety about going to his graduation, but it went smoothly... the only thing I regret is the one that caused our umpteenth argument [though maybe that is too strong of a word... we never really argued in a bad way till now, thankfully!]: never let something that hurt you go when you can face it straight away with the person you love... you risk of doing exactly what you've been trying to avoid: ruin your day and theirs! How not worth it!
The most curious aspect is that whenever something like that happens between us, he can always explain his point of view and let me discover a totally new way of seeing that thing that I would have never ever considered existent: funny!  Let's just hope I learned my lesson this time and I solemnly promise I'll do my best to avoid anything of the like from happening... at least in the next future!
Once the mammoth misunderstanding was over and forgotten, we went back to the usual silly, vaguely-crazy, happy and carefree version of us, with a new entry simply known as "L" who comes straight from a remote angle of my kitchen and who dANIEL has instantly fallen in love with!  Graduated boy, what can I say?

On Saturday morning my cradle friend and I were supposed to go on a nice trip on the ferry-boat, but the weather was quite sucky  so we decided to just go see the huge stage they're putting together in the main square for the "Isle Of MTV" which happens on the 14th, better known as the leprechaun's Birthday  [yahey!]. Well, it was huge, and they had just began... I can't wait to see it all done: I just LOVE huge stages, especially seeing them from behind, which is the most interesting side for me.
My friend then went home while dANIEL and I stayed a little longer, enjoying the wind and spying on the mating approaches' efforts of some undaunted but confused pigeons  [ what a great way to pass the time, uh?].

Then we went home to have lunch and in the evening we decided to put our Little Explorers uniforms on  and went to discover new horizons, more precisely the road on the hill that I see from my bedroom window, so I could take some pics of my house from there, instead of the usual ones I take *of* that hill *from* my house. Twisted? Naaah!
The place was absolutely BEAUTIFUL: we both fell in love with it.  There was this sense of peace and tranquility and simplicity I'm not sure how to properly put into words: the narrow boulevards, the little vegetable gardens in the front yards, the lazy cats laying on the brick walls, the lantern lights above the doors, the trees fruit, the smells from the kitchens, the view on the city... it felt almost magic! It made me think about how much I'd want to be able to live like that, closer to a natural way of living, without giving up the comforts that a relatively big city can offer: this place is about twenty minutes by foot from my house, but we felt like in another world.

These considerations ended up in thoughts about dANIEL's forthcoming moving: he'll be attending a postgraduate school here and this means he's going to live in a flat with some friends of his. This will bring more than a few changes in the way we've lived our relationship till now, and they're going to be big ones! We'll see each other more often -I suppose and hope- but for less time, but I don't want to give up on the nights and the morning awakening's moments together, because they're definitely some of the best parts of the whole thing, and I'm aware we've been very lucky to have that almost from the beginning.
I guess we'll just see what tomorrow brings, right? Until then, I treasure all that's good in my life.

[Thinking about what happened in London the other day and praying there will soon be an end to all that hate and lack of respect for life]

This is gonna be long... and probably inconsequential.

I didn't need any proof that it was true: you never stop learning! I guess the only question you can ask yourself about it is "are you willing to admit your mistakes and treasure them for the future?".
I'm doing it now, almost every day... especially in the week-ends!
I still don't seem able to stop torturing myself with those horrible "what if's" though, but.. hey... you can't change from one day to another, can you?
I'm not sure I know my proud side enough to recognize it when it comes into action... it always gets mixed up with insecurity and something else I can't quite identify. Haunting memories from the past engraved on my mind, maybe?
Actually I don't know why exactly we act and react as if the situation we're living at the moment was a copy of something we've already experienced in our life, especially if it's something unpleasant or difficult in some way. I know though that's how it works: the old "you" automatically makes its appearance and usually it takes a while for the "you" you are now to take control of the situation and put aside what is not meant to be there anymore.
Though my self-esteem issues are still as big as they can be, what I truly admire of myself is the constant quest I pursue: I'm never tired of  learning, of trying to understand why something is the way it is, of questioning myself and go deep to find out the answers I need.
Quoting from a song I'm listening quite often lately I don't want to be "comfortably numb" as I've been until I became aware that is not how it is supposed to be: I deserve more, especially regarding health issues. I let myself complain about this matter when I think about how many limits I encountered throughout my life because of that, though I'm grateful for how life has treated me when I think about all those less fortunate people. But this consideration would introduce a very large topic I don't feel like going into at the moment.

Speaking of "down-to-earth" things: June is over and I still have to recover from the shock of realizing an era is officially ended  ... no more afternoons at the library... wait... no more crazy funny laughing-until-you-cry afternoons at the library with Desy and Zeby!!!  Can I cry?
I felt like bawling, I swear ... I'm afraid I'm going to miss these past eleven months badly... it's already started!
The other day Morgan told me the beginning of something is more important than its end, but...
saying goodbye to our dear mascot who has just left for Germany
to our little stupid daily "rituals" [involving gummy leprechauns or not]
to our crazy totally out-of-their-heads customers
to the love/hate relationships born among the books shelves
to the "nick-name as many people as you can" game
to the misadventures with very rude professors and external customers
to my lunches staring out of the window when I was with some not-too-lovable colleague
to the Saturday mornings with the radio's volume so high we could hardly hear what the customers were asking for
to the never-ending signposts work for the whole library
to the hours spent chitting and chatting about our love (mis)adventures
to the stressful cohabitation with Sapy  or dead~inside [recently risen to the rank of "little cookie" because Desy made me notice she looks incredibly like the Gingerbread Man from "Shrek" ... the only difference is she doesn't have the cute little buttons on her tummy] or very~bad~ill~inside [nick-named "fine features" some time ago, but better known to our most affectionate customers as "the mastiff"  ... scary!]

... [I could go on for pages and pages!] ... well, believe me it's everything but easy! Let alone the fact I met dANIEL there on my very first week of work and I have so many beautiful memories that are really dear to me. *big sigh*

Yesterday I watched the "Live 8" show on TV: Linkin Park and Sting were both involved, the first ones played from Philadelphia, the second from London... I truly hope those 8 people will remember the WHOLE WORLD is watching them on Wednesday! 
Just a last thing and then I'm over for now: I wanted to thank Aidan for commenting on my previous post. I had written that I needed advice, so I'm grateful she let me know her point of view: we finally came to a compromise, dANIEL and I, in case you were wondering.

What to say, what to say?
These past few days have been pretty intense: dANIEL stayed with me till Sunday morning and in the afternoon I went out with a friend of mine to finally catch some tan… actually we "caught" more rain than sun, but hell if it was fun seeing those huge dark clouds and all those lightning across the horizon ending up in the sea!

You could see my friend and I gather all our stuff and run to seek some refuge under a funny gazebo built as a little playground for kids… that was hilarious!
And obviously as soon as were back on the sea front with our bath towels and backpacks the rain was ready to start falling again. But we persevered and the reward has been a beautiful pre-sunset  with some incredible clouds choreography, a few sailing boats, the lighthouse doing its perpetual work and the lights of the city slowly appearing here and there.

I was glad she asked me to join her because I seriously needed NOT to think too much, the main thought being something to do with dANIEL and our VERY different points of view on a few matters. Now, here is the deal: he wants to go on vacation with a friend of his and do a long trip by bike which should take approximately two weeks. Where's the problem? The problem is that I'd like to hear from him every day as we're used to, even if just for a minute, just to know that he's okay and let him know I'm okay.
BUT... he was ready to leave without his mobile or, in case, take it with him without using it if not to turn it on in the evening just to see if something bad has happened back home. This left me quite puzzled.
When I asked for some explanation as to why he didn't want to hear from me or anyone else for two whole weeks he told me that the spirit of the trip in itself required that sort of distance from daily stuff. I disagreed. I can only consider this as something that I have to stand, living it as an imposition that I find wrong and unnecessary. And knowing he wants to know from me only if I'm in trouble makes me feel even worse.
It's quite frustrating that while I wouldn't want nothing more than being able to spend some "quality time" with him, he rather goes on a trip with his friend, and in AUGUST, when I will be free from any job limitations and in need of distraction to get rid of negative thoughts about being unemployed again, and who knows for how long.
I know I don't have to count on him too much, and I'm quite careful on those kind of matters because the last thing I want is to find myself entrapped in a morbid addictive relationship  but I guess it's quite human wanting to spend the only available month in Summer with my boyfriend, rather than with someone else, though I treasure my friends' company very much… they're just different things.
If anyone wants to drop a comment about this I'd really appreciate it since I need some advice.
P.S.: by the way, I fulfilled my little dream about the swing on Saturday... yeah, it was fun!

Oh, well… what can I say? I was supposed to have a test yesterday after an ultrasound I had two months ago… *supposed to* because nothing happened.  I went there, they made me walk around in those infinite hospital's corridors, and then they said that my doctor gave me the wrong date because the test was scheduled for the 23rd of MAY… but that can't be possible because my doctor *took* the appointment that day and she clearly remembered they said JUNE, because she thought that would be long enough for me to recover after the mono.
So… I wasted an entire afternoon, I had nightmares for the whole week about this huge needle penetrating my skin, I didn't go to work… and they tell me there's nothing they can do because there's not enough staff to have another appointment and if I *really* need to do it I can always go to some other city. Sure, thank you very much!
The only positive thing about yesterday in the end is that I had more time to spend with dANIEL who came to visit with me in the afternoon. Again we went to the pier and enjoyed the sun, the sea, the view… and an ice-cream!
Today is being a little weird: I can't say I feel sad because it's not exactly that, but I feel distant and different from anyone else. I know I should try to stick with that intention of not giving a damn about what people could think of me or how could they judge me, but -believe me- this becomes incredibly difficult when you don't feel comfortable with your body because you see it too skinny. People are used to see overweight girls, but when they see someone like me it seems they really can't help but doing stupid comments like "do you eat enough?", "are you on a diet?", "don't you think you're skinny enough?", "why don't you eat more and put on some weight?", and the worst one… "are you anorexic?". Uhm, what would you think if I told you to go f**k yourself?  Never considered the idea of thinking before opening your damn mouth?
This is really frustrating because I can't even force myself to go to the beach because it's embarrassing for me to just stay there in a bathing suit and see all these perfect girls walking around, and it's even more frustrating because I know it wouldn't take that much for me to be "normal", just a few pounds, but my mind doesn't want to know about that, it seems.

They call it "floating palace"... and how could you tell them wrong?

I found myself looking at it almost open mouthed  and I had loads of time to observe it on Friday while going to work since there was this horrid traffic jam and the people on the sidewalks were proceeding faster than the bus I was on... encouraging, uh?
On my way home I stopped on the pier to watch it sail away, with all the people taking pictures or filming or waving their hands.  It was fun, it felt like someone was shooting a movie and we were the extras.
Anyway, I managed to take only a couple of pictures and then I had to *walk* home because there was no chance in the world to find a bus!

On Friday night we had the pleasure of having Rol as our guest and it was good because it felt like the good old times again, at least to me. And Saturday was "Hugging Your Boyfriend Again After A Week" Day, which is always a veeery nice thing to do  especially if you get to the station on your bike in a record time of 50 seconds or something when usually it would take a few minutes... I love high speed when it comes to bicycle paths!
We had a great day and witnessing the second "close encounter" between the Lord from Tuscany and my cutie was sooo funny... they discussed the fundaments of philosophy while I was fixing something for lunch.  Greatly entertaining!
Sunday afternoon was spent laying on the pier talking about sentimental choices in life [wow!] and -me- desperately trying to teach my skin how to catch a tan.  Hopefully it will learn *before* Autumn comes!

Sorry if I'll be a little cryptic here, but I need to get this thing off my chest and I don't want to be too specific since there are people I know who regularly visit this journal and I'd like to keep it as vague as possible.
Okay… some people like to think they're unique, both in a special positive way and a weird negative kind of way, and that uniqueness make them feel like they cannot be anything but isolated and constantly misunderstood.
But isn't the majority of the human beings living on this planet feeling like that? Or maybe I just got it all wrong and I was right when I thought those people were just a small portion of humanity.
Some questions are just too huge to get answers to and those who have the arrogance to state they do know *the* truth are just morons… and they totally irritate the hell out of me!
I firmly believe that no one knows all ends, and if an "absolute truth" is in any way at reach, humility is definitely something you need to be familiar with to get there.
End of my rant, thanks for bearing with me. I'll probably write again later.

You found me, when no one else was looking, how did you know just where I would be, yeah you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs and you still didn't leave, I guess that you saw what nobody could see… I was hiding till you came along and showed me where I belong…

There's a reason if certain moods are compatible among them and others are not. And sometimes clashing attitudes can reveal themselves extremely precious when you can't get out from a difficult situation on your own and you risk to fall back and present the same old schemes that you hate so much, but at the same time recognize as something familiar, and that's what makes them scaring but powerful in their wicked reassurance. Yep!
What pins you down couldn't even be defined "fear"... it's something closer to a sort of embarrassment due to the realization of your own inability to handle a certain "naturality" that is not that "natural" anymore for different reasons.
Then, distant and confused memories and feelings get on the way to complicate the whole thing in a half invincible melting pot of nervousness, anger towards your own self and will to let it go and bottle yourself up in an immature and dangerous silence.
Half invincible because luckily you don't have to handle this whole situation on your own, and so there come a word and an endearment to save you... you can't manage to be happy for that, so you cry, but those are tears of release -you hope- and you let that feeling overwhelm you, letting you feel small and vulnerable, but stronger at the same time, and you go on, again, still, and again.And you're grateful for that word and that endearment that were the only way to take you out of that so-not-unfamiliar abyss you were already plunging into, and fast.
And what happens next is that whatever was stopping you dissolves and lets you free to move away from that uncertainty and doubt, and that "naturality" -though a little helped- comes back, making what had to happen simply... happen.

My life as a librarian is coming to an end.  June will be the last month with afternoon shifts, and in July I'll be without Desy and for a week without Zeby as well. Can't wait… for it to be all over!
Anyway I had to re-plan my working shifts for the millionth time because in July the library will be open just in the mornings, except for Mondays, and my dear boss had the guts to ask me if I was willing to do a cute 9.00 to 5.00 shift…  at that a disgusted expression must have shown on my face because she immediately withdrew the question. I'm more and more convinced that she keeps mistaking me for a full-time employee… hello??? I'm volunteering here!  You're not paying me, remember???
Yesterday I saw the new rankings for the project and my cradle friend is 6th: good job, girl!  Last year I was 3rd and that means you have good chances to end up working in a library of your choice. In her case that would be the one I'm working in right now because she's already familiar with it a little bit since she has come here to study a few times and also because I warned her about all the pros and cons, so she can decide whether she likes it or not while being perfectly aware of what she's putting herself into. As for me, I'd be more than happy to see her at my place instead of a stranger, and that would be cool because I obviously will come to say hello to Zeby and Desy from time to time in the future, and seeing my cradle friend as well would be a nice bonus.
This evening we're going out for dinner, as we did this past Winter: again it will be Zeby, Desy and I, plus five or six other people, including Morgan, which is a positive thing because he's a funny guy. He has come pretty much every day at the library lately and no matter how bad of a mood I'm in he's always able to cheer me up.  I don't know why or how he does it, but who cares?

By the way, this is where I would like to be in this very minute [see under] and what I would like to be doing [see a little more under].

Wow! I had this weird moment today while I was waiting for the bus.
I had sat down on the stairs because I knew it would have taken long [as usual!] and suddenly my sense of hearing kinda disappeared and was replaced by something similar that made all the sounds seem distant and amplified.
Maybe it had to do with my surroundings: the sky beautifully clouded with that light/dark contrast I love so much, the sun hidden behind this huge amount of gray clouds, no signs of traffic and an almost unreal silence with just a few people walking slowly on the curb.
It lasted no more than a couple of minutes, then the sun came through the clouds again and everything was back to normal.
It's been really surreal, but in a good way, it wasn't scary or anything.
But now that I'm thinking about it... should I worry?  Nah, probably not: I think all this "surrealness" happened because of a person I didn't even talked to yet. Weird, I know! It's this Brazilian guy who's giving the leprechaun Latin-American dances lessons at home, and it sounds great!!! He's one of those happily contagious "life is always beautiful" kinda person and it has always worked with me. I'll probably have him teaching me some salsa in the next future, who knows?
Yesterday a similar thing happened: I had quite a sh***y day because my tummy was screaming, I was feeling tired as hell and my colleague's attitude was driving me nuts! Then, on my way home, I saw this cute little baby on the bus.  She truly looked like an ethereal being, she almost didn't seem human. At some point she started looking at me and she kept smiling and laughing like only little babies can do. Everyone on the bus was in complete awe! And that basically turned an awful day into a much more decent one.

P.S.: I took a picture while going to the library... I really hope it'll turn out good. If it does I'll post it later.

20.11: Yes, it turned out good enough to be posted.
It was funny because I get really embarrassed whenever I want to take a picture, but today I managed to convince myself that I shouldn't have worried about what people could have thought if they had seen me stop in the middle of the sidewalk, take my digital camera out and then snap a picture of the abandoned railway next to the road.
I see it every day when I get off the bus to go to work and I've always wanted to take a photo of it... and so I did!

I wish I could go home right now, sprawl out on my couch and watch some stupid funny TV-series, possibly with someone I'd consider good company.
Or... go to some breath-taking beach in the UK and ride on a white horse on the seafront.

Or... anything but staying here at the library fighting with my colleague [who probably doesn't want me to miss Wisey that much so she has more than properly taken her place] and with my aching tummy... and with the weather, which is stormy again since I left my umbrella at home.
Go me!

Somebody please explain to me how to deal with this crazy and mighty disease I could name "impossibility of staying in a happy mood after having a very good day when the day is over".
It's tough to admit that I'm not leaving home without my digital camera anymore, but I'm aware that it's in no way possible to "record" your life, or even a single moment of it. All you can do is capture an image that will help you preserve something more easily in your memory and in a more vivid way. But that's all about what you can humanly do.
I guess that's why I'm so supportive when it comes to technological devices, whatever the case: whether it's a brand new digital camera, or a DVD-recorder, or a super-mega-wow "all-in-one" little thingy.
I remember that when I was no more than a little kid and all this stuff we're now used to see around us everywhere was pure fantasy I loved to imagine that there was a little gnome who followed each one of us for our whole life and had the duty to write all of our dialogues and thoughts on a book... the book of our life. And sometimes I stopped doing what I was doing and started to think about my personal little gnomeimagining him writing frantically that I was thinking about him writing what I was thinking, and usually I just got lost in this thought and blabbed it away in a couple of seconds. ... But it was fun!

Later @ work
I want to try to explain this concept more clearly because maybe if I get it out it will stop being so obnoxious.
I was thinking about yesterday while coming here at the library: it's been a very positive day, I felt great, I didn't care about being too skinny, or too pale, or not confident enough… my only concern –if I could use this term- was to enjoy what I was doing, being with the person I wanted to be and getting the best out of those moments together.
So… now I'm in today and I should feel happy because I've had this great day and I will remember it because human beings have this wonderful gift called memories.
But… it's not exactly working that way and that's because my mind focuses on the "it won't ever came back" side, rather than on the "you've lived it, it will always belong to you, be thankful for it" side.
I figured this whole thing has to do with the fact that future means uncertainty, and I've never been good when it comes to make new experiences or meet new people…  basically I have a hard time when there's something new going on.
I always believed that envy and jealousy were the worst feelings you could possibly experience, but I have to add nostalgia to the list because it really is capable of gnawing at your soul.
Beside all of this I've found out that I have a new skin… literally! Probably it has to do with the exanthema and now I'm changing skin as if I was a snake  ... ehm, not exactly something I would have hoped for, to be honest. And now it is paler than ever because basically it has never seen the sun, and this means it's going to be a lot harder to catch a tan now.  But I need the sun, I do!
Now, this week-end will probably be everything but sunny, or at least this is what the weathermen say… we'll see.

... will post later!

When later means the day after.

Tuesday, 31st 2005 14:57

I've been "fighting" with thoughts, doubts, fears, hopes, illusions and many other entertaining things in these last few days. It's not that big of a news for me actually, but the intensity of the "mind-work" has been quite remarkable.
Basically I went through some critical phases of my life all over again, trying to get the point of this whole "struggle-thing" I'm still undergoing.
Does all this detail-obsession have any sense? Now I know the answer for sure: NO! It's not only a waste of time, but a useless way to ruin your life in almost every single moment.
It's all about points of view: in this very week-end I realized how bad I have lived till now just because I thought everybody was better than me, no matter in which way. Well, I'm starting to believe things are quite different from how I've always thought they was and I can be "not exactly an easy person to get at first sight", but this means that someone needs to have the will to take a second look to understand the way I am and befriend me.
I can't be more specific since I don't want to talk about people who might end up reading this, but this past Saturday has been "enlightening": I listened to someone saying a bunch of things that barely made sense and this person was SO sure that was the one and only absolute truth.  Too bad though that these things this person was claiming with such vehemence were exactly the opposite of what had been till then in their opinion. Coherency: who's this stranger?
So that's why I started thinking: why should I keep on limiting myself from living the way I'd feel to? I'm still afraid of judgment, but I need to get over it and take as a model those who don't give a damn about what others think and just live their life to the fullest, happy and carefree.
That's my goal from now on: to become judgment-independent!